The truth is out

From little fibs in private to bare-faced deceit in public, we are all telling more lies than ever before. But, asks Hugh Wilson, is there any advantage to saying what you mean?

Sunday April 25, 2004
The Observer

The recently published Lies and The Lying Liars Who Tell Them is an attack on right-wing propagandists in the US, but the title could just as easily apply to... well, the rest of us.

Human beings are not born liars, but the moment we can form complete sentences we begin lying to protect the feelings of others, to avoid punishment and confrontation, and, most frequently, because lying confers advantages the truth wouldn't get a sniff at. Lying gets results.

'Lying has evolved for the same reasons as any other ability,' says Professor Richard Wiseman, a psychologist at the University of Hertfordshire. 'It gives us a competitive edge, providing we get away with it.' Which might explain why evidence suggests we are lying more, on a regular basis.

One study by Bella DePaulo, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia, required participants to keep diaries of their social interactions. Every one of the 147 participants lied, and three-quarters of their lies were self-serving - designed to enhance status or avoid embarrassment, disapproval or conflict. Lies played a part in 30-38 per cent of their social interactions. Such research only serves to confirm the suspicion of Sissela Bok, author of Lying: Moral Choice in Public and Private Life, that, 'We are all on the receiving end of a great many more lies than in the past.'

There are general reasons why this might be true. 'I think that people are seeing more authority figures and institutions lying - thus giving the message that it's OK to do so,' says Professor Wiseman.

Dr Charles Ford, author of Lies! Lies! Lies! The Psychology of Deceit, points to 'a correlation between narcissism and deceit'. Others detect the pernicious influence of the media at work, in both its routine portrayal of successful liars and its barely disguised disdain for the honest confession-fixated losers paraded on Jerry Springer. But DePaulo's research suggests the media may have got it right. Socially skilful people, she discovered, told a lot more lies than their clumsier counterparts. Many experts are agreeing with Dr Ford. Lying, it seems, is becoming an acceptable and even admirable social skill.

Nowhere is this more obvious than on the singles scene. First dates have always involved a certain amount of self-aggrandisement, but some singles now regard out-and-out deceit as a legitimate tactic.

David, 34, uses internet dating services and has lied regularly. 'Why? Because a lot of potential dates seem to be in the market for perfection. I think they use any perceived fault or personality clash to whittle down the list.'

'Studies show newly dating couples lie - or heavily exaggerate - about two-thirds of the time,' says relationship expert Tracey Cox, author of Superflirt. 'They're trying to present themselves in the best possible light - and given the number of singles out there now, you can understand why.'

Experts believe that increased competition and the higher expectations among singles - with more and more happy to remain unattached, rather than settle for second best - along with the popularity of internet dating (where fabrications can be on a spectacular scale, and can also remain unchallenged), are encouraging increasingly rabid outbreaks of deceitfulness. 'We're so emotionally and intellectually evolved now,' says Cox. 'We all go to shrinks and grow up on a diet of self-help books; we've done our soul-searching and have our partner check lists ready and waiting. Can you really blame someone for lying to score a few more ticks in the right boxes?'

The problem is that many singles are presenting images of themselves that are impossible to live up to, and scuppering their already limited chances of long-term love in the process. They either deter potential lovers by asking for too much, or they invite lies that will be discovered quickly.

'Her advert had mentioned solvency as a necessity,' says David, of one internet date. 'So I invented a level of financial security that I didn't have. If it had worked out, I could hardly have kept my poverty a secret. But sometimes you think you have to tick all the boxes to have a chance of a date in the first place. After that, you hope that charm will maybe paper over the cracks.'

Of course, long-term lovers aren't immune to the conflict-avoiding, problem-burying lie either. Once again, a buoyant singles scene coupled with unrealistic expectations has put new pressure on less-than-faultless relationships and tempted many into more serious deception. A study last year by Cahoot found that a majority of partners lie to each other about their personal financial situation. Other studies have found that women appreciate judicious fibs about their weight, or looks, or ability in bed.

But the Cahoot research also showed that lying is on increasingly difficult ground. In this context, might a policy of honesty at all costs upset the delicate balance of deceit that we've stumbled into over the past few years? Could lying be little more than the latest social art, as Charles Ford et al suggest?

Possibly. After all, few of us feel that lying is inherently wrong any more. A lie is only wrong, general consensus runs, because it might be discovered, and cause hurt and upset. But then that, of course, is the real issue. We might be great and prolific liars these days, but we're not any better at recovering or forgiving, if we discover that we've been lied to.