Jokes - learning, teaching, the classroom etc...

Keep sending in any jokes connected to learning, teaching, the classroom etc...- see the form at the end of the page

Sent in by James

Did you hear that our teacher Miss Fischer was fired?
Yeah, she had no class.

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Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Sam: Me!

Substitute teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Greg: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday?
Bob: Seven.
Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday?
Bob: Nine.
Teacher: That's impossible.
Bob: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Johnny: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

Joe: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Joe: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Joe: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Joe: You said it was my lunch money.

Teacher: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
Susan: A new bike.

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Joe: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Joe (sadly): You don't know my father.

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Joe: Big hands!

Bill: Isn't the principal stupid!
Ginger: Say, do you know who I am?
Bill: No.
Ginger: I'm the principal's daughter.
Bill: And do you know who I am?
Ginger: No.
Bill: Thank goodness!

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Sent in by Elspeth Kempe, in Johannesburg

Teacher: Why are you late?
Bongani: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Bongani: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Teacher: BONGANI, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
Bongani: You told me to do it without using tables!

Teacher: BONGANI, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Bongani: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Bongani: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Bongani: "HIJKLMNO"!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Bongani: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

Teacher: BONGANI, go to the map and find North America.
Bongani: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: BONGANI!

Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Bongani: Don't bite any.

Teacher: BONGANI, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Bongani: I is ...
Teacher: No, BONGANI. Always say, "I am."
Bongani: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Bongani: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

Teacher: BONGANI, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Bongani: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Bongani: A teacher

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Sent in by M. Cristina Manzanares

How do students learn better? With a teacher or without a teacher?
Despite the teacher.

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Sent in by Kate Webster

An OFSTED inspector, visiting a primary school in Yorkshire, sat down at a table of Year 5 children who had been grouped together because of their learning dfficulties. The inspector was eyed suspiciously by the group and then one of the lads spoke.
"Can thee do long division?"
"Yes," said the inspector.
"Can thee do spelllings on t`board?"
"Yes," said the inspector.
"Can thee do joined up writing?"
"Yes", said the inspector.
"Then you`re on t`wrong table, mate!" said the lad.

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Sent in by Eric in Warsaw. (an Englishman)

Here's another one from Poland.
A person who speaks three language is called a tri-linguist
A person who speaks two languages is called a bi-linguist
A person who speaks one language is called ...  an Englishman

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Sent in by Roswitha Krähenbühl

After an English test with particularly disastrous results, the teacher scolds the class and then she asks that everybody, who thinks that they are not particularly good at English, should stand up. For quite a while all students just look at each other, but nobody moves. Finally, little Johnny slowly stands up. "Very good, Johnny", says the teacher, "at least you realise where you weakness is and that gives you an opportunity to improve". "Oh, but I don't think I'm very bad at English, Madam" says Johnny, "but I simply felt sorry for you standing there all alone."

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Sent in by Andras (Andy) Chernel, Tomas Bata University in Zlín, (Czech Republic)

Along comes a fox and asks him, "What are you doing tapping away on a laptop?"

The hare replies, "I´m writing my thesis on "A Practical Approach To How Hares Gobble Up Foxes"!

The fox laughs with scorn and after a short discussion, both go into the cave. A short time later, the hare comes back out, nonchalantly picking his teeth with a fox claw. He sits back down and continues to tap away.

Along comes a wolf and asks him, "What are you doing tapping away on a laptop?"

The hare replies, "I´m writing my thesis on "A Practical Approach To How Hares Gobble Up Foxes"!

The fox laughs with scorn and after a short discussion, both go into the cave. A short time later, the hare comes back out, nonchalantly twirling a wolf-tail. He sits back down and continues to tap away.

Along comes a lion and asks him, "What are you doing tapping away on a laptop?"

The hare replies, "I´m writing my thesis on "A Practical Approach To How Hares Gobble Up Lions"!

The lion laughs with scorn and after a short discussion, both go into the cave. A short time later, the hare comes back out, nonchalantly scratching his back with a lion paw. He sits back down and continues to tap away.

... And what is the point or moral to our tale?: (Every scholastic tale should be educational and have a twist in the tail!)

It´s neither important nor academic WHO we are; nor WHAT our thesis is all about.

The key issue is WHO is "guiding and advising us" (Our TUTOR)!

The cave was home to a great, grumpy, hungry, post-hibernatory bear!

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